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Thursday, 15 January 2009

Build me a time machine

So many things in life we’d love to go back in time for – easier days, time with family, holidays, seeing those who have passed on. I’ve always said that if I went back in time it would be back to summer of 2004 to the time hen high school ended, but that’s changed now. If I could go back in time I’d go back a year to January 1st 2008 and I’d learn to appreciate everything I had. I’m so sorry for how I acted, how blind I was, and everything that has ensued since that date. When I think back over the last 2 years of uni and how everything has developed all I can think about is how my uni life has just been about one person. It hasn’t been about learning, going out, parties, radio, music, independence – it’s all been for you. Even when I didn’t know you, there was an ever developing connection that drew us together.

The first year wasn’t good because we didn’t work out. The beginning of year two was amazing – ‘the courting’, the cuddles, the DVDs, the staying over and you sneaking home really early, the new year that made it official, the day you came back to stoke and I came round and you kissed me at the kitchen door. These are things that go through my head every minute of every day. I don’t know what to do anymore, it’s driving me insane that I was so blind before and that there’s nothing I can do to make it better. And then I think of one other thing – amidst all the arguing and the bollocks leading up to Christmas, all I can think about is the night of the last Super Friday. When you came and sat on my knee and kissed me and you asked me to come pick you up at the end of the night. That night felt like we were going to work it all out, I felt so happy and so accepted. Now we’re not even talking and I’m completely lost without you. I tried effortlessly to convince myself that I could hate you, that if I could convince myself that you’re a bad person then I could get on with my life without you in it, but the truth is I can’t – because you’re not a bad person and I could never hate you.

Every fucking step I take in trying to work things out is the wrong one. I wish I had a fucking clue. All I do is make things worse. I don’t want to be this bubbling mess of a person anymore, but no matter what I do I’m just not happy. I wish I knew what you thought or how you felt.

I’m sorry for doing this, because by doing it I’m probably making it worse again, but I have to vent.

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