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Friday, 28 November 2008

My best friend

I need to tell the world about my best friend in the entire world.

Her name is Katieface, and she's the most amazing person I've ever known.

Over the years I've had a rediculous amount of best friends, and some are still very close to me, while others aren't. Either way, Katie has stood by me - no matter what I've done or said in the past. She's the most supportive, loving, caring, wonderful person I've ever met in my life (bar my mum perhaps).

Katie doesn't realise it, but no matter what her mood is, no matter what she's doing, how tired she is, how upset she may be, how stressed she feels or how "off" she might be feeling - she is beautiful. And when I say "beautiful" I don't just mean a nice word for pretty - I mean absolutely breath taking. When I'm with her, I like to sit and stare at her, even if she isn't paying attention to me - I don't care because I can just sit and watch her. Everything about her is so delicate and fragile that you'd think a single touch would make her fall over, but in truth she's strong, willing and determined in every single thing she does.

Not only is she beautiful in a physical sense, she's an outstandingly beautiful person for because of her care for others. She always puts other people first, and never thinks of herself in a situation - Katie puts Katie last, and that is very rare. Not only that, but her inner beauty reaches out to how conscious she is of her self image and the way she acts when she's around people - when she's in clubs she's in her element and she really does shine (even when she's downing a shot).

Katie has always offered me so much, and I've not always paid attention to that fact, but I'd like her to know that I care about her more than anything and anyone (I've said that a hell of a lot of times over the last few weeks, and I really do mean it). For the time I'm left here with her at Uni, I don't want to miss a single moment of her life, because it's so precious when you think about how much time is left.

Wherever you go, whenever it is, I'm always going to be here - with open arms.

x

Tuesday, 25 November 2008

Smile happy people

This song has kept me going a lot today
So listen and SMILE :D

Tuesday, 18 November 2008

Emetophobia

A few days ago I opened up to the one person I love more than anyone, and I told her the darkest secret I've ever had. Nobody knew this before Friday, but now I want you all to know.

For the last 10(ish) years I have slowly developed a case of anxiety and a phobia known as Emetophobia. You can look it up on Google for a more in-depth meaning but in the basics it is a fear of being sick. It is something that has taken a stronger and stronger hold on me over the last 2 or 3 years. It never used to be a problem, but now it’s getting ridiculous. You wouldn’t possibly believe how much it affects in my life, but I’ll try and give you some examples of how much it has changed me.

Okay so what does it mean? Well it means that anything that has ever triggered nausea for me in the past is something I try to protect myself from – by not doing it. The biggest one of these things is travelling. I LOVE seeing family and friends, and I LOVE going to gigs and seeing amazing places, but I’m so scared of my feelings now that I don’t want to go anywhere, it isn’t like I can’t leave the house or anything, but my fear of travel sickness means I can’t drive far anymore because my mental anxiety kicks in and it causes me to feel the way I don’t want to – not because it’s really there! I NEVER used to get car sick until a few years ago, but now it’s all I think about when I leave my current area. So Mum, last time I was at your house and I said I didn’t want to go shopping all those times you offered, wasn’t because I was too lazy to leave the house, it was because I was petrified of what it would do to me. It’s ridiculous, and I hate it, because I love going shopping with you.

In the second year of Uni I was so afraid of my feelings that it became a system of myself losing out on so much. Not only in class but in love too. I’m not going to go into a lot of detail with the love side, but the fears I had meant that I had to be alone every night just to make sure nobody would see me if I felt ill, and I could beat those feelings if they came around. Being a film/TV student, I’ve always loved all kinds of films and television programs, but after one film made me feel ill a few years ago, I tried to avoid feeling that way again by stopping watching horror films, then almost any film, and now I skip any part of any film if I think it would have that affect on me. It’s stupid. But because of that, it means I miss some lectures at Uni because I’m afraid of what they might be screening, and when I do go to lectures I’m afraid of what I might see, so mentally I prepare myself for the worst and I just feel mentally terrible. It’s so stupid, and I hate having to admit to this crap. And I hate what it is doing to my life. That’s why I’m doing something about it.

I’m tired of letting this obsession run my life, and I’m tired of all the problems it causes. I lost Katie because of it, I lost trust from my family and I lost a great friend last year too.

Don’t worry, I’m getting it sorted.

Friday, 14 November 2008

Chin up

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don’t bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok
But that’s not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin’ to do

It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I’m doin’ It
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

Not seeing that loving you
That’s what I was trying to do

Monday, 10 November 2008

Just another manic Monday

Good gosh, things go from bad to worse, then a bit better, then even worse.

Can’t get head-nor-tails of my situation at the moment and it’s really starting to do me over.

Can’t get my head around anything actually to be honest, my work is slowly suffering – photography front to be honest. Haven’t had the time or will to go anywhere and take photographs to be honest, and I don’t see myself doing much soon either.

Yesterday has to be one of the craziest days ever, the amount of emotions I experienced in a matter of 12 hours was insane. Thing is, I would go through those emotions again if I knew I would get what I want, so now I just have to wait and hope I will.

So much other crap I can’t be bothered to write about.

Here’s a nice new Rapture poster for you!

brand new poster copy

See you dudes soon :)

Friday, 7 November 2008

The longest week of all time

Okay, so that didn’t last long

I’m back

and so are you

 

OI! Okay so this week has been pretty fucking mental, I decided to unplug myself from blogger for a few days, otherwise I would have posted a blog (or two) that were far too distressing for you to read, and you’d probs be worried about me – but I’m okay! Honest :)

 

This week the election happened, one of the most exciting things of our time, and to be honest its a big blur among all the lost sleeping hours and endless time I’ve spent in my room thinking the same thoughts over and over, so I missed out a little – but I watched Obama win as it happened, so I can be proud of being a part of that historic moment.

Congratulations Barack, I knew you could do it.

While I was watching it, I recorded the following video of Ricky Gervais and uploaded it to YouTube, and its managed to get more views than all my older vlogs put together!!

Been playing a lot of NES games on my emulator, completed Mario Bros 3, that’s a bloody long game mate!!

_42222218_gall_mario

Went LRV tonight for some refreshing time away from these 4 walls, and I got myself a stupid amount of photos. We managed to create the LRV metal cru, where we scream to all the cheesy dance tunes – recording coming soon. But here’s the cru in action!

DSCN0245

Just pretend I’m there too :P

Catch you in a few days broods!

Tuesday, 4 November 2008

Unplugged

The amount of time I spend in front of this keyboard pressing these buttons is pretty crazy, its pretty much what my life revolves around - that or my bed. It's not right. So you probably won't hear much from me for a while, wana get my head around my situation and what exactly i'm doing with my life (coz to be honest, I really don't know!)



Anyway, stay safe, might speak to you soon :)

Safe

Monday, 3 November 2008

What election?

A lot of people don't really care about the USA election if they're living in the UK, but it's something I take a lot of interest in. I love America, it's an amazing country and (though to blame for all this economic bollocks at the moment) it's my favourite place in the world.

HOWEVER

I HATE how some Americans speak
Honestly, it makes me furious
Thankfully the person who annoys me most is the Vice Presidential candidate of the opposition to my presidential support.
Palinn, LEARN TO PRONOUNCE WORDS PROPERLY. I can't stand the way she says Iraq and Iran with the I pronounced capitally, as if its some kind of Apple product. "I'm gunna go grab my iRan, it's the coolest new media tool!"

Also, it's said NU-CLE-AR, not NUC-U-LAR. Moron.

Watch this, it'll help explain...



:)

Saturday, 1 November 2008

Pinch, punch...

So halloween was awesome, but I don't want to go over that rubbish too much, as I'm sure most of you have already seen pics or generally don't care. But here's a pic of me in my mask with my housemate Paul as part of 'Budget Kiss'



Currently watching lord of the rings - fellowship of the rings, and as much as I love this series of movies and the general story, I have one stipulation. Introduced in the prologue, the backstroy leading up to the trilogy spans 3000 years, and yet there is no change in weaponry or civilisation. It doesn't make much sense to me, are they in a technological time lock or something? I mean, all it took was for Aragorn to invent the musket and the whole thing would have been so much easier...or they cudda just used those massive eagles from the end to just fly oer Mordor, that would have been much easier! As shown in the following comical cartoon :)



Also, have you ever opened a ready salted packet of Walker's French Fries and noticed how much they smell of piss when first opened? Still yummy though!



Reno