A few days ago I opened up to the one person I love more than anyone, and I told her the darkest secret I've ever had. Nobody knew this before Friday, but now I want you all to know.
For the last 10(ish) years I have slowly developed a case of anxiety and a phobia known as Emetophobia. You can look it up on Google for a more in-depth meaning but in the basics it is a fear of being sick. It is something that has taken a stronger and stronger hold on me over the last 2 or 3 years. It never used to be a problem, but now it’s getting ridiculous. You wouldn’t possibly believe how much it affects in my life, but I’ll try and give you some examples of how much it has changed me.
Okay so what does it mean? Well it means that anything that has ever triggered nausea for me in the past is something I try to protect myself from – by not doing it. The biggest one of these things is travelling. I LOVE seeing family and friends, and I LOVE going to gigs and seeing amazing places, but I’m so scared of my feelings now that I don’t want to go anywhere, it isn’t like I can’t leave the house or anything, but my fear of travel sickness means I can’t drive far anymore because my mental anxiety kicks in and it causes me to feel the way I don’t want to – not because it’s really there! I NEVER used to get car sick until a few years ago, but now it’s all I think about when I leave my current area. So Mum, last time I was at your house and I said I didn’t want to go shopping all those times you offered, wasn’t because I was too lazy to leave the house, it was because I was petrified of what it would do to me. It’s ridiculous, and I hate it, because I love going shopping with you.
In the second year of Uni I was so afraid of my feelings that it became a system of myself losing out on so much. Not only in class but in love too. I’m not going to go into a lot of detail with the love side, but the fears I had meant that I had to be alone every night just to make sure nobody would see me if I felt ill, and I could beat those feelings if they came around. Being a film/TV student, I’ve always loved all kinds of films and television programs, but after one film made me feel ill a few years ago, I tried to avoid feeling that way again by stopping watching horror films, then almost any film, and now I skip any part of any film if I think it would have that affect on me. It’s stupid. But because of that, it means I miss some lectures at Uni because I’m afraid of what they might be screening, and when I do go to lectures I’m afraid of what I might see, so mentally I prepare myself for the worst and I just feel mentally terrible. It’s so stupid, and I hate having to admit to this crap. And I hate what it is doing to my life. That’s why I’m doing something about it.
I’m tired of letting this obsession run my life, and I’m tired of all the problems it causes. I lost Katie because of it, I lost trust from my family and I lost a great friend last year too.
Don’t worry, I’m getting it sorted.