Fresh start, new design and a new vision for the future.
I’d like to say I have a clearer head than I have of late, but this isn’t true. Things are more confusing than ever and I really don’t know where I’m going anymore. Oh well.
I was going to start a new series of posts called Diary of a Free Man – based on my ongoing therapy and attempts to sort my head out but things aren’t going to plan as much as I hoped and therefore it wouldn’t be a good place to go to if you wanted news on me. I actually hate my life now. I really don’t have many people left in my life that I trust or really hold high anymore. They’re either gone or aren’t who I thought they were. Just as emetophobia stops me seeing possibilities for my future, my disgust for who people are stops me seeing any real meaningful connection with those people. So yeah, things are falling apart on both fronts; I need people to help me get through my issues but I don’t have anyone who means anything to me anymore and I don’t mean anything to anyone anymore either.
If you’re a friend of mine, really think about this, when was the last time you struck up a conversation with me? When did you really make the effort just to talk? Then think about the amount of times I’ve made conversation with you, or sent you a text asking to hang out or just seeing how you are. No effort, no respect, no care – not from any of you. In fact the only person who ever really bothers with me on that front is Jenna, and I love her for having that resilience and care. I really can’t think of anyone else who makes a real effort with me anymore and it’s a question I ask myself every day; why am I so expendable? What makes me so easy for you to turn your back on, and why am I so easy to leave behind without a second look? You tell me, because enough people have done it to me this year.
This is why I’m moving away from here. I can’t hang around this place full of bad memories and lifeless connections with whoever else is left here. It’s pathetic that I even decided to stay here and tried to keep something real going when there really is nothing left for me.
Next stop Exeter.