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Sunday, 15 November 2009

22

Wow, so my last blog stirred up a lot of fuss! I didn’t realise so many people actually read my blog and I was so unaware how fast news travels. There are a few things I need to clear up before we get onto today’s blog. Firstly, I should have made far more exceptions to the people who got the shit thrown at them than just Jenna. Bexx is one of them, as is AJ and also Millie, Kay and Liz. The question about being expendable was more a rhetorical question to the people who don’t talk to me anymore, not those of you I still have contact with. Even so, I stick to some of the things I said, not many people do make an effort with me, it’s just fact. Also, I need to clear up that my plans to move to Exeter aren’t immediate – sorry for not making that very clear. I won’t be moving there until next June/July. I want to move there and start over, so when that time comes and there literally is no connection between us then prepare to see no more of me on your Facebook or MSN etc. No second chances, that’s the rule. I’ll be closing off the first 22 and a half years of my life and starting a brand new one with just a select few of you. So that’s the clarification of that over and done with, lets get on with THIS post!

Today I turn 22 and I can say that I am a free man.

Well, near enough. It’s been a year since I revealed my biggest secret to the world and a lot has changed, though the biggest part of it has to be the changes I’ve seen in the last 5 weeks. Things fell to an all time low from last week through to this Tuesday when I wrote my latest post – when I wrote that I was quite literally at my lowest, so I apologise for the generally negative tone about myself and everyone out there. I don’t know what happened but it all changed Wednesday, I wasn’t doing anything special, in fact I went into Hanley for the first time in over a week just to sign on. Strangely though, when I got into town I wasn’t anxious and I wasn’t thinking “all i want to do is go home” as I usually do. I wasn’t dizzy or spaced out in the shops, I was just normal. In fact, it got to the point where I was willing to throw away all of my safety nets (you might have seen me carrying that water round on chomping on mints previously) but I just felt like I didn’t need them anymore! It was an amazingly uplifting feeling, but in case that was just a momentary thing and my anxiety came back Thursday or Friday then I’d better go to my new fallback plan; Kalms tablets. I’d used them to stay calm at a gig before and I thought maybe they’d help in the future, especially with how much I’d been panicking recently. The women in Boots were so nice, they said things like “you’re too young to be stressed!” and when I said I didn’t need them today because I was feeling good they said “yeah you’re looking good” – being told that is such a great reinforcement, especially from a stranger. The rest of that day was a breeze, I didn’t actually want to leave town but I had no reason to stay after visiting Rowfers and Wilko’s so I headed back and had a relaxed afternoon. Following this, I went to Gobble – possibly the best Gobble I’ve ever been to. No the music wasn’t any less cheesy and the place wasn’t any less scummy, but I didn’t give into anxiety, my lost friend was avoiding me instead of the other way around and I stayed all the way to the end. It was bloody brilliant, a stranger even asked me to be her bf! Haha. Anyway, it is fair to say that Wednesday changed my life, and I’m so glad it did – it is proof to myself and to the world that after a year I held to my promise and I’m now getting past my issues – SCORE.

Today is my 22nd birthday and I want to thank you all for your birthday wishes and lovely comments, calls, texts, emails and wall posts. I ruined my 21st by being a fool and getting priorities wrong, along with putting my fear/anxiety ahead of stuff too. Today I’m going to rectify that! Catch you later kids :D

Reno x

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