Sunday, 19 July 2009

The Dilemma

I’ve wanted to write about this for a while but couldn’t think of a suitable outlet for my opinions and worries. I don’t even know if this is the right place, I thought about writing anonymously in some forums or Yahoo answers to get some thoughts would be a good idea, but I guess this is where my thoughts should be written, it’s what blogging is all about. Okay, every year or so, I go through a period of doubt and indecision about who I am. Generally I lack self confidence in most areas but when I go through one of these phases (as I am now) I go down another notch and I just consider my life in every aspect in a criticised and confused way. Though possibly constructive in motive, this process is mostly pathetic and completely unnecessary. It comes down to three things;


What I mean by this is worrying about who I am, in terms of how I put myself across as a person to the rest of the world. I mean, I love sticking to this alternative look and stuff, it’s who I feel I should be, but at the same time I’m 21 – going on 22, should I not have grown out of this by now? Should I not be a little more mature and begin sticking to something a little more ‘normal’? But then I answer that and say “well no, because I’ve never been normal, I’ve refused to follow the crowds since I was 15.” But I was 15 then, and okay, staying that way while you’re a student is fair enough because it is a known trait of students to assert their individuality – which I did and I loved it. But now I’m a graduate, I’m not a student anymore, I’m a person with the responsibility to start building his own life. But then, from this comes Varsity Radio – for the next 5 years (at least) I’m going to be building this student enterprise – being the voice of students on their radio station. So do I need to stay in the student frame of mind? Then I’ll turn that around and say “well there’s a difference between mind and image”.

See how complicated this is getting? It gets worse.

Beyond that I could say “only a fraction of students are really alternative people, so this whole argument is flawed anyway" – I guess I could still represent the student life without forcing myself to adhere to this ‘look’ that I feebly attempt to pull off.

Last year I tried my hardest to let go of this image, as I did the summer before (2007) and the summer before that (2006) and both times it destroyed my soul. Sounds overdramatic, sorry. Anyway, when I did that, I hated the idea of letting go of this image and therefore let go of the group of people I feel most comfortable with. If I do it, I’ll end up not feeling right in the places I love and okay going to the places that I hate (i.e. normal nightclubs etc). When I did it before, I felt out of place at gigs and rock nights because I didn’t look the way that people there do – the way I love to look. So now you’re saying “for gods sake look that way then” – but I yearn daily to change my life a bit and grow up. If I don’t now, will I ever? I mean my brothers (and other mates) went through this stage and still enjoy alternative music without forcing ideals of a particular scene or style upon themselves, so what’s wrong with me doing that? The answer: I don’t know. I’ve always had issues with letting go of my youth, which is a big reason why I hate letting go of this style – it’s who I’ve been since I was a teenager – the years I loved the most.

I like to idolise my musical influences by sticking their posters everywhere, you can’t turn your head in my bedroom without seeing Oli Sykes, Dallas Green, Rob Flynn, Craig Owens or Ronnie Radke. These are the people who inspired me to be who I am today and I love them for that, but where does it leave me? If I drop this image will I feel inappropriate in having them on my walls, by growing up in image do I have to change my attitude and pull down all these posters and have a room with a coffee table and a suit already ironed for tomorrow and a time card for work? See there’s much more to changing how I look in this, it’s about fundamentally changing who I am as a person – on the inside and outside. I’m afraid of doing that – that’s what it comes down to. Maybe by refusing to let go of my youth I’m refusing to admit to the life of an adult – bills, jobs, responsibilities. Who knows.

I guess it comes down to compromise and finding a middle ground – as Lou put it “toning it down”. I’ve started doing that, lets see how it goes.

You’re probably screaming at the screen to “get over it” or “grow up” or “stop being pathetic” or better yet, the all time greatest, “just be yourself” – but there lies the problem; who am I? I can pull off virtually any ‘look’ but how which one should it be? Which one is me? It’s come down to a case of mistaken identity – I’ve lost myself.

Since when was image so important? Since I became a fucking egotistical moron.


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